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Littler Books cover of The Courage to Be Disliked Summary

The Courage to Be Disliked Summary and Quotes

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

3.9 minutes to read • Updated October 28, 2024

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What it's about in one sentence:

“How to Free Yourself, Change your Life and Achieve Real Happiness”

Bullet Point Outline and Summary

  1. Trauma does not exist. Trauma and past experiences do not determine one's present or future. People are not controlled by their past.
  2. We should focus on teleology rather than etiology.
    1. Teleology is the study of purpose and present goals.
    2. Etiology is the study of past causes.
    3. "PHILOSOPHER: Suppose you've got a cold with a high fever, and you go to see the doctor. Then, suppose the doctor says the reason for your sickness is that yesterday, when you went out, you weren't dressed properly, and that's why you caught a cold. Now, would you be satisfied with that? / YOUTH: Of course I wouldn't. It wouldn't matter to me what the reason was—the way I was dressed or because it was raining or whatever. It's the symptoms, the fact that I'm suffering with a high fever now that would matter to me. If he's a doctor, I'd need him to treat me by prescribing medicine, giving shots, or taking whatever specialized measures are necessary. / PHILOSOPHER: Yet those who take an etiological stance, including most counselors and psychiatrists, would argue that what you were suffering from stemmed from such-and-such cause in the past, and would then end up just consoling you by saying, 'So you see, it's not your fault.' The argument concerning so-called traumas is typical of etiology."
  3. “Freud's [etiological] idea is that a person's psychic wounds (traumas) cause his or her present unhappiness. When you treat a person's life as a vast narrative, there is an easily understandable causality and sense of dramatic development that creates strong impressions and is extremely attractive. But Adler [Austrian psychiatrist], in denial of the trauma argument, states the following [teleological idea]: 'No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.'”
  4. Emotions like anger are tools we choose to use to achieve specific goals rather than uncontrollable forces that overcome us.
    1. “One day, a mother and daughter were quarreling loudly. Then, suddenly, the telephone rang. ‘Hello?' The mother picked up the receiver hurriedly, her voice still thick with anger. The caller was her daughter's homeroom teacher. As soon as the mother realized who was phoning, the tone of her voice changed and she became very polite. Then, for the next five minutes or so, she carried on a conversation in her best telephone voice. Once she hung up, in a moment, her expression changed again and she went straight back to yelling at her daughter... In a word, anger is a tool that can be taken out as needed. It can be put away the moment the phone rings, and pulled out again after one hangs up. The mother isn't yelling in anger she cannot control. She is simply using the anger to overpower her daughter with a loud voice and thereby assert her opinions.”
  5. All problems stem from interpersonal relationships.
    1. Internal feelings like feelings of inferiority aren't inherent but arise from comparing oneself to others within a social context.
    2. The pursuit of superiority, often masked as the desire to improve oneself, is actually a means of asserting dominance in relationships. Life's challenges, therefore, aren't about lacking ability, but navigating the complexities of human interaction.
    3. By focusing on building horizontal relationships based on equality and cooperation while recognizing your own uniqueness, we can overcome these interpersonal hurdles and find fulfillment.
    4. “Why do you dislike yourself? Why do you focus only on your shortcomings, and why have you decided to not start liking yourself? It's because you are overly afraid of being disliked by other people and getting hurt in your interpersonal relationships… You're afraid of being treated disparagingly, being refused, and sustaining deep mental wounds. You think that instead of getting entangled in such situations, it would be better if you just didn't have relations with anyone in the first place. In other words, your goal is to not get hurt in your relationships with other people... Now, how can that goal be realized? The answer is easy. Just find your shortcomings, start disliking yourself, and become someone who doesn't enter into interpersonal relationships. That way, if you can shut yourself into your own shell, you won't have to interact with anyone, and you'll even have a justification ready whenever other people snub you. That it's because of your shortcomings that you get snubbed, and if things weren't this way, you too could be loved.”
  6. It's important to distinguish between tasks that belong to you and tasks that belong to others.
    1. Much of our anxiety and stress stems from trying to take responsibility for things that are not our own, like other people's feelings or reactions. By focusing solely on our own tasks and leaving others to manage their own, we can free ourselves from unnecessary burdens and live more authentically.
    2. One can only control one's own behaviors and choices, not the behaviors and choices of others, so we need to detach from the desire for approval or control over others.
  7. To have the courage to be disliked is to have freedom.
    1. “It is certainly distressful to be disliked. If possible, one would like to live without being disliked by anyone. One wants to satisfy one's desire for recognition. But conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one's freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.”
    2. "Unless one is unconcerned by other people's judgments, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one's own way of living. That is to say, one will not be able to be free."
  8. One's life is subjective and each person views themselves as the center of their own world. However, it is important to shift focus from self-centeredness to a community-centric mindset. Ultimately, living a fulfilled life requires recognizing that the world does not revolve around you, but rather that you are a part of a larger whole where contributing to the community brings true happiness.
  9. Life is a series of present moments, and true freedom comes from living fully in each one without being bound by past traumas or future anxieties.
    1. Don't pursue happiness as a future goal, instead emphasizing the importance of finding meaning in present actions.
    2. There is no determinism. No one is destined to live a certain way based on past experiences.
    3. This here-and-now perspective doesn't deny planning but reframes it as a series of present moments rather than a means to a distant objective.
    4. Embracing the present allows one to feel a sense of eternity by experiencing life as a continuous flow, similar to how dancing is meaningful in each moment rather than serving to reach a destination.

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