×

Littler Books cover of How to Do the Work Summary

How to Do the Work Summary and Quotes

Nicole LePera

6.1 minutes to read • Updated July 31, 2024

Get full book

Download summary as PDF, eBook/ePub, DOCX

What it's about in one sentence:

“Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self”

Bullet Point Outline and Summary

  1. Many of us struggle to make lasting changes in our lives, feeling stuck in problematic patterns and behaviors despite wanting to change.
    1. “The familiar feels safe; that is, until we teach ourselves that discomfort is temporary and a necessary part of transformation.”
  2. Traditional approaches to mental health often fall short, focusing on managing symptoms rather than addressing root causes and the mind-body-soul connection.
  3. The emerging science of epigenetics shows that our genes are not fixed, but are influenced by our environment and choices, empowering us to actively participate in our own healing.
  4. Holistic Psychology integrates traditional psychology with new research on mind-body healing, emphasizing daily small choices, taking responsibility for one's wellness, and using practical tools for transformation.
  5. Ally Bazely, struggling with multiple sclerosis and depression, decided to take charge of her own healing. She began with a small, sustainable daily promise to drink a glass of water every morning, gradually adding journaling and a nutrition and lifestyle program (Terry Wahls Protocol). As a result of her efforts, Ally's MS went into remission, and she regained abilities she thought were lost forever.
  6. “To truly actualize change, you have to engage in the work of making new choices every day.”
  7. Our conscious self, shaped by childhood experiences, often operates on autopilot, repeating unhealthy patterns.
    1. We need to identify our emotional scars from the past as they influence our present behavior.
    2. We tend to unconsciously recreate past traumas to gain a sense of control.
  8. “You are the thinker of your thoughts, not the thoughts themselves.”
  9. Trauma is not limited to catastrophic events but includes any experience that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope. Trauma can stem from various sources, including emotional neglect, invalidation, and everyday stressors, which can all impact mental and physical health.
  10. Childhood trauma could be caused by:
    1. A parent who denies your reality
    2. A parent who does not see or hear you
    3. A parent who vicariously lives through you or molds you
    4. A parent who does not respect your boundaries
    5. A parent who is overly focused on appearances
    6. A parent who can't regulate their emotions
  11. “Trauma occurred when we consistently betrayed ourselves for love, were consistently treated in a way that made us feel unworthy or unacceptable resulting in a severed connection to our authentic Self. Trauma creates the fundamental belief that we must betray who we are in order to survive.”
  12. Trauma disrupts our natural equilibrium, impacting our nervous system and creating a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. This chronic stress becomes embedded in our physical bodies, leading to a range of symptoms like chronic pain, fatigue, digestive issues, and immune system dysfunction.
  13. The physical manifestations from trauma are physiological responses to trauma. Acknowledging the mind-body connection and validating our traumatized bodies is a crucial step in healing.
  14. The interconnectedness of mental and physical health requires a comprehensive approach to healing.
    1. Practices such as deep breathing, meditation, and yoga can reduce stress and promote emotional balance.
    2. Sleep, nutrition and gut health are important in mental well-being. Consider dietary changes for improved mood and energy levels.
  15. “Research shows that practices like yoga and meditation that help us to focus our attention on the present moment, are especially powerful in restructuring the brain. When new neural pathways are forged, we are able to break free of our default patterns and live more actively in a conscious state.”
  16. Our belief systems shape our realities and behaviors. Our limiting beliefs, often rooted in childhood experiences, can create self-sabotaging patterns and hinder personal growth. Identify your limiting beliefs and challenge their validity (e.g., “I'm shy,” “I'm unemotional,” “I don't matter”).
  17. The brain is malleable, we have the capacity to rewire our thinking patterns through conscious effort and repetition.
    1. Practical tools like affirmations (e.g., “I'm enough”) and visualization techniques (e.g., close your eyes and vividly imagine that you're safe, at peace, succeeding, etc.) can cultivate positive beliefs and manifest desired outcomes.
  18. “When we are stuck in fight/flight/freeze mode, we devote our resources to managing stress, and, to put it simply, our child brain suffers. Childhood is a time of great vulnerability. Unable to survive on our own, a parent-figure's withholding of anything perceived to hinder our survival sends stress signals flooding through our bodies. The resulting “survival brain,” as I call it, is hyperfocused on perceived threats, sees the world in black and white, and is often obsessive, panic driven, and prone to circular reasoning. We can break down or shut down when faced with stress.”
  19. Our childhood experiences have a profound impact on our adult lives, shaping our beliefs, behaviors, and emotional patterns. Our "inner child," represents the part of us that still carries the joys, wounds, and unmet needs from our early years.
  20. It is important to acknowledge and connect with our inner child, recognizing that unresolved childhood pain can manifest as struggles in adulthood. We should identify the specific needs our inner child may have lacked, such as security, validation, or unconditional love.
  21. The 7 inner child archetypes:
    1. The caretaker: Neglects own needs to cater to others. Believes love is earned through self-neglect and serving others.
    2. The overachiever: Seeks validation through success. Copes with low self-worth through external achievements.
    3. The underachiever: Stays small due to fear of criticism or failure. Believes invisibility grants love.
    4. The rescuer/protector: Attempts to rescue others to heal their own vulnerability. Views others as helpless and derives worth from being needed.
    5. The life of the party: Always cheerful, never shows vulnerability. Believes making others happy is the path to love and acceptance.
    6. The yes-person: Neglects own needs to serve others. Believes selflessness earns love.
    7. The hero worshiper: Needs a guru to follow. Views others as flawless models and rejects their own needs to earn love.
  22. Attachment theory focuses on the critical importance of early childhood bonds with primary caregivers. This theory posits that these early relationships form the foundation for all future relationships and significantly impact a child's social, emotional, and cognitive development.
  23. There are four main attachment styles:
    1. Secure: Child briefly upset when mother leaves, recovers quickly. Open to reunion. Mother provides a stable environment for interaction and exploration.
    2. Anxious-resistant: Child highly distressed by mother's absence, difficult to comfort upon return. Often clingy. Reflects misattunement between child's needs and parent's attention.
    3. Avoidant: Child shows little reaction to mother's departure or return. Doesn't seek comfort. Often the result of emotionally disconnected parenting.
    4. Disorganized-disoriented: Unpredictable responses, ranging from extreme distress to no reaction. The child's body doesn't know how to react. Rarest style, often linked to severe childhood trauma or neglect.
  24. The ego creates narratives that shape our perception of self and reality.
    1. The ego is driven by a need for self-preservation, constructs stories based on past experiences and fears, and often leads to limiting beliefs and negative self-talk.
    2. The ego tends to seek external validation and compare itself to others, fueling feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
    3. Identify your ego stories, observe them without judgment, recognize the patterns of thought and behavior that stem from these narratives, and question the validity of these limiting stories.
    4. The author describes having intense emotional reactions to seemingly minor triggers like dirty dishes, which were rooted in deeper unresolved issues from childhood. In this case, the dishes are a reminder that she was often not considered during childhood.
  25. “As we expand our level of conscious awareness, we can see that we are not our ego stories. Thoughts happen to us. They don't mean anything about who we are. They're simply our ego attempting to defend our identity and protect us from pain.”
  26. Unhealthy relationship patterns are often stemmed from childhood attachment issues and unmet needs, leading to trauma bonds -- relationship dynamics that involve an addictive cycle of highs and lows, with stress and chaos feeling familiar and exciting, even if ultimately unfulfilling.
    1. Working through trauma bonds requires becoming aware of these patterns, examining how they manifest in current relationships, and learning to form more authentic connections.
  27. Boundaries are essential for self-respect and to protect our mental and physical health. Setting boundaries involves identifying our limits and communicating them assertively, even when met with resistance.
  28. Types of boundaries:
    1. Physical boundaries: These define your comfort with personal space, physical contact, and comments about your appearance or sexuality. They also encompass your willingness to share personal spaces and information.
    2. Mental/emotional boundaries: These involve your ability to maintain and express your own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs without undue influence from others. They also include your capacity to choose what personal information you share, respecting both your own privacy and that of others.
    3. Resource boundaries: These relate to how you manage your time and energy, including the ability to say no and avoid people-pleasing. They also involve maintaining emotional independence, avoiding the roles of "fixer" or emotional dependent, and limiting unproductive venting.
  29. Reparenting is to become the loving and supportive parent we always needed. It is a powerful tool to heal childhood wounds and create a more loving and supportive relationship with oneself. It involves replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations, setting healthy boundaries, and identifying unmet needs from our childhood and beginning consciously meeting those needs in the present.
    1. As a part of the author's own reparenting, she moved to California to distance herself from her family to honor her own needs.
  30. “You have to love yourself in order to give yourself what you weren't able to get from others.”
  31. Emotional maturity is not tied to age, but rather a continuous process of improving the ability to tolerate and regulate uncomfortable emotions without lashing out or shutting down.
    1. Emotional immaturity often stems from childhood experiences and can manifest as an inability to handle differing perspectives.
    2. Developing emotional maturity involves learning to be at peace with being misunderstood, creating space for differences, and accepting all parts of oneself.
    3. The "ninety-second rule" suggests that physiological emotional responses last only 90 seconds, but our minds often prolong these feelings through rumination and storytelling.
    4. Coping strategies to improve emotional maturity include proactive soothing methods and increasing distress tolerance, which can be cultivated through practices like meditation and self-reflection.
  32. Interdependence is built on mutual respect, support, and the ability to maintain individuality while also connecting with others.
    1. Interdependence contrasts with codependency. Codependency involves unhealthy reliance and often leads to resentment and imbalance.
    2. Setting boundaries, practicing self-awareness, and communicating needs effectively is required to foster interdependent relationships.
  33. Loneliness is a significant public health issue, with research showing that supportive relationships positively impact mental and physical well-being. Finding a supportive community is crucial for healing and personal growth, as the author discovered through creating an online platform for holistic psychology.
  34. “Once you do the work of healing the body, mind, and soul and regain the ability to connect with the greater universe, transcendence in its multitude of forms becomes accessible to you. Once you peel back the window dressings of your ego and connect to the purest, most authentic part of yourself, once you reach out to your community in an open state of open receptiveness—awakenings will come.”

How to Do the Work: Resources